So, this is my first blog to help myself get back to happy me, I didn’t wake up till 12ish this morning, With a banging headache, it was thumping, like someone was dancing on my head.
I wanted to wake up early so I could book an appointment with the Doctor, but because I didn’t sleep well last night I didn’t wake up in time to phone them.
I feel awful like my chest is being hit by a wave, or someone has stuck their hand in my chest and is squeezing my heart.
I feel like if I open my mouth I would scream and not be able to stop, I kind of thing that’s that I need to do is to just let out one big scream.
In a way, maybe that’s what this is is me screaming and screaming loud, I went out to do some shopping, not that I really wanted to I just wanted to get back in bed and stay there just sleep until tomorrow morning and then maybe sleep till Wednesday, then Thursday.
I started a Vlog to post on YouTube decided to do it while I went shopping that way people could see what I’m like while I’m out.
Dad drove me to Robin park, I was OK in the first shop I went in, Poundland, everything was fine, it was when I got to Asda, that’s when I felt the panic attack hit it took all my power not to just get on the floor and stay there…
The waves broke, hitting me, I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
I forgot some of the things that mum had asked for I just wanted to get in and out I was finding it so heard to breath my head was spinning like a was one a waltzer I felt like I was going to be sick any second it I didn’t get out.
When I got out I felt the tears filling my eye again I got to the car and just wanted to get home, when I got home I wrote a poem and recorded it, I love writing poems it’s something I won’t say I’m good at but something I can do to get my feelings across.
I managed to go back out to one of the other shops to get the things I had forgotten and finish my Vlog, right now the feeling of hopelessness is doing its dance on my chest.
I just wanna lock myself way in my room and shut myself away.
Right now the only thing that is keeping me happy is knowing I will see Midnight and Ally on Saturday.