Today has been a very quiet one, nothing much to talk about, I really need to find a happy medium when it comes to taking the meds I’m on.
Tuesday I took one at night and had the best night sleep I had in a long time, but woke up Wednesday morning feeling like hell, Wednesday I took one in the morning and felt zoned out all day.
Today I’m going to take one at five see what difference that makes…if any.
I woke up at 9ish but just lay in bed, didn’t put any TV on, no music, just lay there on my phone.
I had no desire to get up, didn’t wanna get up, I kept telling myself come on Heather up you get, time to make a move, But…my body keeps saying Mah you got nothing important to do just stay here.
I wouldn’t care but it’s not like my bed is that comfy to start with.
I talked to Midnight today, well we talk everyday, I don’t think she knows how bad I am at the moment.
I’m thinking sit her down Saturday and tell her everything, she knows I’m on meds but I don’t think she knows what for, seeing Midnight and Ally this weekend is the only think that I’m looking forward to.
Mum got me to come down stairs to sit with our dog, for this blog I will call him Cas, I refuse to call him the name mum gave him.
They said they was gong out, when I asked where I just got told… “out” …well OK but I might have needed something!
I know they think I’m making this up, or putting it on, or making myself to be worse than I am, but that’s not the case, I really don’t want to feel this way, I wish I could be happy again and laugh and smile and joke but honesty right now, I can’t.
It did if me time to just relax though, I just wish I could place my finger on what has caused this, why have I gotten like this again? What bought it on? I was fine one day then all of a sudden I’m rock bottom, maybe this has been building for while and Sunday was the wave where it hit.
I took my tablet at 5 had a walk to the shop, that’s the only place I seem to go at the moment round to the corner shop.
In myself, I’ve been OK, a bit confused but OK, I’ve not really been sad or happy today just in between.
Normally every second Thursday in the month I go to a open Mic but I just couldn’t face it, right now getting up on stage is the last thing I wanna do.
I love going to the open Mic, I love it when I get up on stage and read my poems, there is no greater feeling.
Right now, It’s the most terrifying thought, I want that fire back, that burn, of getting on stage being told well done when you step off.
I think I’m going to start setting targets for myself, maybe the first one should be to go to the next open mic and make myself get on the stage.