Mental health blog Day 10

 

Well, I’m home, and in all honestly…I feel like crying, I miss both Ally and Midnight so much already.

These few days have been a total blast so much fun and just what I needed but…question is…now what?  I’m stuck here on my own until I next see Midnight which is two to three weeks, and we are unsure of when we will get to see Ally again hopefully it’s not to long.

These past few days have put a smile on my face and I felt so happy but now…I honestly don’t know, I love both Ally and Midnight so much, not in the romantic way, but we three are a unit we get each other, we have  a bond that is unbreakable.

Without them I honestly don’t know if I would have a reason to go on,to push on, but with them I do.

Even in my darkest moments they give me a reason to smile and to laugh, without them life would be so mundane and when we aren’t together that’s what life is, Mundane, the same getting up, doing videos, trying to get some photography done, editing videos, uploading videos, doing my blog, going to bed…every single day, my life is like on long time loop the same old same old day in day out and i think….is this all there is? Is this what my life has now come to just living life eat…sleep…repeat?

There has to be more to it than this  I just feel like i can’t break this endless loop, there is so much I want to see and do but I feel stuck.

 

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Mental health blog day 9

14/03/2017

I’m in a good mood today because I get to spend and extra day with Ally and Midnight…woohoo…this makes a happy Heather.

We hung out for a little bit talking and just laughing and thinks that friends do, I did need to go for a walk because I got a headache but i think it was just because I was so warm.

We took Ally’s dog for a walk in some words which give me and Midnight ideas for some stories and TV shows/films we have watched in the past.
Then when we got back Midnight asked about the mental health videos i had been posting on YouTube, and I felt that knot of worry, of fear, I told her how i have been feeling lately with the help of Ally and she understood.

No questions, no judgement, no mocking just understand and compassion from both Ally and Midnight.

This is why I love them both it was is why, oh, ok so what are we doing now? I know that may sound like they don’t care but i guess who had to have been in the room to get the full feeling.

Afterwards Ally Made me a sandwich and we watched Doctor Strange, it was just a great night we just laughed and talked and giggled and took photos.
I’m not looking forward to going home tomorrow, well no I am, I’m just gonna miss them both.

I know I’ll see Midnight in two weeks but not sure when I will see Ally, These two girls make me life worth while and wonderful and amazing I don’t know what I would do with out them.

Day 8

13/03/2017

Day 8

Woke up this morning at Allys early and i was actually wide awake by the time she got into work.

I had a chat with her and Midnight got up not long afterwards.

We told Ally about what we had done the night before.

Ally took herself off to bed and me and midnight played on the computer before takeing Allys dog for a walk and getting some things for Ally.

Midnight is one of the few people who can get me to go out.

When we got back we made some dinner and talked about things, just random things.

She knows somthing is wrong but she doesn’t push it she knows if i need to talk or wants to i will and i think it makes me respect her even more.

When Ally got up we talked more with her.

Like Midnight she doesn’t push asking whats wrong or up, they never tell me to stop bring silly or grow up.

They are both amazing.

Day 7

12/03/2017

Blog 7

Woke up this morning feeling good, and really looking forward to going to the con it was epic midnight and myself got into Liverpool about 10am and we want across to the echo arena.
We had to cue but it didn’t feel like a long time to wait and the cues wasn’t that bad so my anxiety didn’t start up.

When we got in I stayed close to Midnight so I didn’t get lost or in case I had a melt down, there was a lot of people in there but I was able to handle it.
The actors was awesome and so nice and sweet, I got sung at by one of the actors, and had a photo taken with a speeder from star wars, We also met some other people who was Shadow hunter fans.

I got some things for my mums birthday and bought some poki, a melon drink, melon bread and some things some phoenix copperart.
Midnight took care of me as always.

After the con we got the bus back to Ally’s, we chilled listening to some music and just chatted it’s nice to just spend time with Midnight and Ally.

Ally had to go to work again in the evening so me had midnight ordered Pizza and watched some TV.

I’m here for two more days then I have to go home, but I’m going to enjoy these two more days gonna be fun a relaxing.

While i’m here I feel good, I feel happy and content like I have nothing to worry about.

Day 6

11/03/2017

Blog 6

Woke up this morning feeling awful, just what I needed, I managed to drag myself out of bed and have a bath, which, I did feel better for.
I had a moment, where I almost decided not to go but I really wanted to see Midnight and Ally.
In the end I thought screw it, and after a few hiccups I got my dad to bring me to Ally’s.

When I got here Midnight was waiting for me I thought the flood doors would open and I would crack but I was just so happy to see her it felt like these past few days was a bad dream.

We talked for a bit and had a laugh it felt really good, Ally got up, has she had been working the night before we got to spend an hour with her before she went back to work.

We then took Targe (Ally’s dog for a walk) when she went to work and talked about the con tomorrow I’m starting to get that feeling of excitement and I can’t wait.

We made some tea and watched some tv and just hung out, talked about random stuff, and geeky stuff and cool stuff.

To just be with a friend who asks no questions, just knows the right things to say makes it all worth while.

It really is good to just chill and relax no one passing judgement, Midnight and Ally are two of the only people who get me, can make me really smile, they make everything worth while.

I mean I’m sat here With Midnight watching a film writing this while she’s on Facebook but we are still making time to talk to one and other, to make each other smile.
So this weekend for them I’ll try my best to be happy, i’ll smile and laugh and have a awesome weekend.
What next week brings is a whole new story.

day 5

10/03/2017

Blog 5

Today I’ve felt good, really, really good I got up with morning and was actually wanting to get up, I almost jumped up.
I got dressed right away I almost skipped up, I went down stairs just as I got down stairs the post man came and my forms for the councillor so I filled them out and posted them right back so hopefully will hear back soon.

I also felt up to walking into town, I got a jacket from Wigan and Leigh hospice shop and then got one of my all time fave films The Dark Crystal.
I also went for some breakfast.

I did have a moment where my head was saying to me “your having a really good day today…” but my heart was saying “Why are you in a good mood? Your not aloud to be in a good mood?”

For once I listened to my head.

Am I not aloud to still be happy? Just because I’m the way I am at the moment am I not aloud days where I can be happy?

I also know the fact i’m seeing Ally and Midnight this weekend is gonna make me happy and all the fun we will have.
They are my rocks they keep me going and I love them both for it, they are amazing and I honesty don’t know what I would do with out them.

I did have a mini melt down in Tesco but no one noticed, I went to do some shopping for mum and I couldn’t remember what it was that she asked for.

So I asked her to text it to me, She couldn’t find her phone but luckily after walking round and round the store I did get all that she asked for.

So today all in all apart from a few blips has been good, maybe I can use today and this weekend has a turning point and start on the path to getting better but I got to remember tiny steps, speed may be key but it never run the race.

Day 4

09/03/2017

Blog 4

Today has been a very quiet one, nothing much to talk about, I really need to find a happy medium when it comes to taking the meds I’m on.
Tuesday I took one at night and had the best night sleep I had in a long time, but woke up Wednesday morning feeling like hell, Wednesday I took one in the morning and felt zoned out all day.
Today I’m going to take one at five see what difference that makes…if any.

I woke up at 9ish but just lay in bed, didn’t put any TV on, no music, just lay there on my phone.

I had no desire to get up, didn’t wanna get up, I kept telling myself come on Heather up you get, time to make a move, But…my body keeps saying Mah you got nothing important to do just stay here.
I wouldn’t care but it’s not like my bed is that comfy to start with.

I talked to Midnight today, well we talk everyday, I don’t think she knows how bad I am at the moment.

I’m thinking sit her down Saturday and tell her everything, she knows I’m on meds but I don’t think she knows what for, seeing Midnight and Ally this weekend is the only think that I’m looking forward to.

Mum got me to come down stairs to sit with our dog, for this blog I will call him Cas, I refuse to call him the name mum gave him.
They said they was gong out, when I asked where I just got told… “out” …well OK but I might have needed something!

I know they think I’m making this up, or putting it on, or making myself to be worse than I am, but that’s not the case, I really don’t want to feel this way, I wish I could be happy again and laugh and smile and joke but honesty right now, I can’t.

It did if me time to just relax though, I just wish I could place my finger on what has caused this, why have I gotten like this again? What bought it on? I was fine one day then all of a sudden I’m rock bottom, maybe this has been building for while and Sunday was the wave where it hit.

I took my tablet at 5 had a walk to the shop, that’s the only place I seem to go at the moment round to the corner shop.

In myself, I’ve been OK, a bit confused but OK, I’ve not really been sad or happy today just in between.

Normally every second Thursday in the month I go to a open Mic but I just couldn’t face it, right now getting up on stage is the last thing I wanna do.
I love going to the open Mic, I love it when I get up on stage and read my poems, there is no greater feeling.

Right now, It’s the most terrifying thought, I want that fire back, that burn, of getting on stage being told well done when you step off.

I think I’m going to start setting targets for myself, maybe the first one should be to go to the next open mic and make myself get on the stage.