Day 7

12/03/2017

Blog 7

Woke up this morning feeling good, and really looking forward to going to the con it was epic midnight and myself got into Liverpool about 10am and we want across to the echo arena.
We had to cue but it didn’t feel like a long time to wait and the cues wasn’t that bad so my anxiety didn’t start up.

When we got in I stayed close to Midnight so I didn’t get lost or in case I had a melt down, there was a lot of people in there but I was able to handle it.
The actors was awesome and so nice and sweet, I got sung at by one of the actors, and had a photo taken with a speeder from star wars, We also met some other people who was Shadow hunter fans.

I got some things for my mums birthday and bought some poki, a melon drink, melon bread and some things some phoenix copperart.
Midnight took care of me as always.

After the con we got the bus back to Ally’s, we chilled listening to some music and just chatted it’s nice to just spend time with Midnight and Ally.

Ally had to go to work again in the evening so me had midnight ordered Pizza and watched some TV.

I’m here for two more days then I have to go home, but I’m going to enjoy these two more days gonna be fun a relaxing.

While i’m here I feel good, I feel happy and content like I have nothing to worry about.

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Day 6

11/03/2017

Blog 6

Woke up this morning feeling awful, just what I needed, I managed to drag myself out of bed and have a bath, which, I did feel better for.
I had a moment, where I almost decided not to go but I really wanted to see Midnight and Ally.
In the end I thought screw it, and after a few hiccups I got my dad to bring me to Ally’s.

When I got here Midnight was waiting for me I thought the flood doors would open and I would crack but I was just so happy to see her it felt like these past few days was a bad dream.

We talked for a bit and had a laugh it felt really good, Ally got up, has she had been working the night before we got to spend an hour with her before she went back to work.

We then took Targe (Ally’s dog for a walk) when she went to work and talked about the con tomorrow I’m starting to get that feeling of excitement and I can’t wait.

We made some tea and watched some tv and just hung out, talked about random stuff, and geeky stuff and cool stuff.

To just be with a friend who asks no questions, just knows the right things to say makes it all worth while.

It really is good to just chill and relax no one passing judgement, Midnight and Ally are two of the only people who get me, can make me really smile, they make everything worth while.

I mean I’m sat here With Midnight watching a film writing this while she’s on Facebook but we are still making time to talk to one and other, to make each other smile.
So this weekend for them I’ll try my best to be happy, i’ll smile and laugh and have a awesome weekend.
What next week brings is a whole new story.

day 5

10/03/2017

Blog 5

Today I’ve felt good, really, really good I got up with morning and was actually wanting to get up, I almost jumped up.
I got dressed right away I almost skipped up, I went down stairs just as I got down stairs the post man came and my forms for the councillor so I filled them out and posted them right back so hopefully will hear back soon.

I also felt up to walking into town, I got a jacket from Wigan and Leigh hospice shop and then got one of my all time fave films The Dark Crystal.
I also went for some breakfast.

I did have a moment where my head was saying to me “your having a really good day today…” but my heart was saying “Why are you in a good mood? Your not aloud to be in a good mood?”

For once I listened to my head.

Am I not aloud to still be happy? Just because I’m the way I am at the moment am I not aloud days where I can be happy?

I also know the fact i’m seeing Ally and Midnight this weekend is gonna make me happy and all the fun we will have.
They are my rocks they keep me going and I love them both for it, they are amazing and I honesty don’t know what I would do with out them.

I did have a mini melt down in Tesco but no one noticed, I went to do some shopping for mum and I couldn’t remember what it was that she asked for.

So I asked her to text it to me, She couldn’t find her phone but luckily after walking round and round the store I did get all that she asked for.

So today all in all apart from a few blips has been good, maybe I can use today and this weekend has a turning point and start on the path to getting better but I got to remember tiny steps, speed may be key but it never run the race.

Day 4

09/03/2017

Blog 4

Today has been a very quiet one, nothing much to talk about, I really need to find a happy medium when it comes to taking the meds I’m on.
Tuesday I took one at night and had the best night sleep I had in a long time, but woke up Wednesday morning feeling like hell, Wednesday I took one in the morning and felt zoned out all day.
Today I’m going to take one at five see what difference that makes…if any.

I woke up at 9ish but just lay in bed, didn’t put any TV on, no music, just lay there on my phone.

I had no desire to get up, didn’t wanna get up, I kept telling myself come on Heather up you get, time to make a move, But…my body keeps saying Mah you got nothing important to do just stay here.
I wouldn’t care but it’s not like my bed is that comfy to start with.

I talked to Midnight today, well we talk everyday, I don’t think she knows how bad I am at the moment.

I’m thinking sit her down Saturday and tell her everything, she knows I’m on meds but I don’t think she knows what for, seeing Midnight and Ally this weekend is the only think that I’m looking forward to.

Mum got me to come down stairs to sit with our dog, for this blog I will call him Cas, I refuse to call him the name mum gave him.
They said they was gong out, when I asked where I just got told… “out” …well OK but I might have needed something!

I know they think I’m making this up, or putting it on, or making myself to be worse than I am, but that’s not the case, I really don’t want to feel this way, I wish I could be happy again and laugh and smile and joke but honesty right now, I can’t.

It did if me time to just relax though, I just wish I could place my finger on what has caused this, why have I gotten like this again? What bought it on? I was fine one day then all of a sudden I’m rock bottom, maybe this has been building for while and Sunday was the wave where it hit.

I took my tablet at 5 had a walk to the shop, that’s the only place I seem to go at the moment round to the corner shop.

In myself, I’ve been OK, a bit confused but OK, I’ve not really been sad or happy today just in between.

Normally every second Thursday in the month I go to a open Mic but I just couldn’t face it, right now getting up on stage is the last thing I wanna do.
I love going to the open Mic, I love it when I get up on stage and read my poems, there is no greater feeling.

Right now, It’s the most terrifying thought, I want that fire back, that burn, of getting on stage being told well done when you step off.

I think I’m going to start setting targets for myself, maybe the first one should be to go to the next open mic and make myself get on the stage.

Day 3

blog 3

Last night was the best night sleep I have had in a long time, I still got to sleep latish maybe 1 before I drifted off to sleep but I was the best sleep in a while.

Saying that…I didn’t wake feeling great I woke feeling sick and all in all not great.

I went to ring the number the doctor had given me but couldn’t find it i started to panic a little but I rang the doctors up and she give me the number again so i manged to get hold of the councillor, they are sending me forms to fill out over then hopefully I will be able to see one.

I thought about ringing my friend Hayley and cancelling me going today I just didn’t feel like going into town and being around people, But I know that she likes me going and looks forward to me going and I can’t explain to her “I’m sorry I don’t feel like coming today my heads sick!” I guess I could have just said “I’m not well…” but that makes her worry because she thinks I’m hospital ill and makes me get well soon cards which, don’t get me wrong, is really, really, really sweet but I don’t wanna worry her.

Anyway I picked her up and we went into Wigan for some lunch, I don’t know if she picked up that something was wrong or if I was working on autopilot but we was both very quiet which for Hayley, normally means A, something is wrong with her or B, She’s picked up there is something wrong with you.

We went to a cafe in the park I just had a cheese and ham sandwich and she had a jacket potato with beans.

We had a walk round town trying to avoid has many people has I could, I did bump into a old friend Madeline and right away the mask came up I smiled and nodded and said “I’m fine, I’m good, I’m grand never better” when in fact when she asked me how was I, what was I up to.

I felt that wave of tears want to break out and just say everything like I was back in the doctors room.

We said our goodbyes and me and Hayley went for a coffee before taking Hayley home.

When I got home I checked one of the videos I had uploaded and saw I had left mistakes in which then made me doubt myself and kick myself I had a moment but then I found a way to fix it so this once, melt down averted.

I have felt strange all day like I’m working on autopilot I’m looking forward to Saturday and this weekend with Ally and Midnight I just hope I don’t spoil it for them.

Day 2

07/03/2017

Blog 2

Had a bad nights sleep again fell at 11:30 12:00 but woke back up at 3:30ish and couldn’t get back to sleep , so I did a quick vlog.

I finally got back to sleep at 4 and woke back up at 9:00, I tried to ring the doctors again and got an appointment for 4 o’clock…result.

I managed to rest for a bit and relax Watched Shadowhunters before I went I even talked to some one about going to a autism hub on a Monday and Wednesday it sounds amazing.

They do Drama, gaming, chats…sounds awesome and it gave me something to look forward to.

I even felt up to walking to the corner shop.

Then…I, went to the Doctor when I got in I just broke down and told her everything, how I was feeling, what had been going on with the studio.

She wants me to see a councillor and put me on some medication it was to late to ring the councillor up when I got home but I will phone them tomorrow.

I went to Mandarin which was fun, there was only three of us in the class today but we still learned a lot.

Anyway today, even though I have been in a low mood, it’s been a decent day and enjoyable hopefully it goes on to tomorrow.

Right now i have just taken my first tablet in my medication and already i’m feeling sleepy so hope to get a good nights Sleep.

Day one

06/03/2017

Day 1

So, this is my first blog to help myself get back to happy me, I didn’t wake up till 12ish this morning, With a banging headache, it was thumping, like someone was dancing on my head.

I wanted to wake up early so I could book an appointment with the Doctor, but because I didn’t sleep well last night I didn’t wake up in time to phone them.

I feel awful like my chest is being hit by a wave, or someone has stuck their hand in my chest and is squeezing my heart.

I feel like if I open my mouth I would scream and not be able to stop, I kind of thing that’s that I need to do is to just let out one big scream.

In a way, maybe that’s what this is is me screaming and screaming loud, I went out to do some shopping, not that I really wanted to I just wanted to get back in bed and stay there just sleep until tomorrow morning and then maybe sleep till Wednesday, then Thursday.

I started a Vlog to post on YouTube decided to do it while I went shopping that way people could see what I’m like while I’m out.

Dad drove me to Robin park, I was OK in the first shop I went in, Poundland, everything was fine, it was when I got to Asda, that’s when I felt the panic attack hit it took all my power not to just get on the floor and stay there…

The waves broke, hitting me, I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

I forgot some of the things that mum had asked for I just wanted to get in and out I was finding it so heard to breath my head was spinning like a was one a waltzer I felt like I was going to be sick any second it I didn’t get out.

When I got out I felt the tears filling my eye again I got to the car and just wanted to get home, when I got home I wrote a poem and recorded it, I love writing poems it’s something I won’t say I’m good at but something I can do to get my feelings across.

I managed to go back out to one of the other shops to get the things I had forgotten and finish my Vlog, right now the feeling of hopelessness is doing its dance on my chest.

I just wanna lock myself way in my room and shut myself away.

Right now the only thing that is keeping me happy is knowing I will see Midnight and Ally on Saturday.